Does Father Christmas celebrate Father’s Day?

It’s that time of the year when fathers are in the spotlight. A time where children young and old celebrate the amazing men who not only gave them life but play a pivotal role in their lives. Moreover, there are those extraordinary men who fulfill this role regardless of the DNA between them and the child. To all these men, I salute you and say Happy Father’s day.

Then there is the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, the Leprechaun and Santa Clause or Father Christmas as he is commonly known in South Africa who only make guest appearances. They are rare to locate outside their common appearance stints. Their PR teams are on point, keeping them trending by using the last appearance that they made and also creating hype for the upcoming show when they will be making another grand appearance. Someone else falls in this category of mythical creatures. He also has world class tricks, costumes and props. Have you figured him out yet? No, not a magician, I’m talking about an absent father. The one who only sees his child a handful number of times each year especially around the festive season. He looks great on paper but in reality, he has no real substance.

Have you ever wondered where the Tooth Fairy lives and what he does when he’s not collecting children’s teeth? We can ask the same question about the father who shows up during school holidays, if that. Where is he the entire year? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he does show up a few weekends in a year. Oh but please let’s get a few facts straight, there is a mammoth difference between what’s on the “To do list” during normal weekdays and what happens during school holidays. Don’t get stuck on the “To do list” phrase, it may or may not be written down but take my word for it, its there. For instance, the child needs be awake at a certain time, dressed, fed and ready to go to school. There may be extra mural activities and prior arrangements need to be made (packing the correct gear), there’s homework, supper, bath time and you still need to be mindful of having conversations with the child about what’s going on in her life and what’s on her mind. Then you must see to it that the child is asleep at a reasonable time so that the “To do list” can be ticked off all over again tomorrow.

It’s a commitment. Choosing to spend time with your child only during school holidays does not make you a parent but merely a glorified baby sitter. During school holidays there is no set sleeping time, there are no tests to prepare for or even that Natural Science Solar System project to help with. Not to mention lunch box meals to prepare which are an indication of what your child prefers, “Last week my child loved tuna and mayo sandwiches but yesterday she brought back her lunch box with the very same thing, untouched!” says one parent.

An absent father believes that contributing X amount for child support each month, makes him part of his child’s life. He may even produce proof of SMS notifications or monthly bank statements of regular payments that go towards his child’s upbringing. That’s commendable however, don’t park there and give yourself too much credit. There are some families who get the Child Support Grant from the government (SASSA), does that make SASSA a parent? An active father cannot quantify in rands how much is spent on a child. No parent can. There is so much more to be done than sending money. Your child needs more than just your money and can certainly do without your excuses.

Perhaps I need to define what an absent father is as opposed to an active father. It is not always possible to live with your child as there are different factors that affect the family dynamics. The parents may be divorced, separated, were never together as a couple in the first place or living in different area codes. However, an active father is committed to fulfilling his responsibilities regardless of whether he and his child share the same physical address. He takes care of his child’s complete well-being. In simple terms he is in his child’s life and not just a guest who appears from time to time asking to see the school report at the end of the term.

The term “co-parenting” is being thrown around these days. This is a concept which requires the two parents involved to work together to ensure all parental obligations are fulfilled regardless of who is currently living with the child on a daily basis. It’s not about the failed relationship between the two but about the human being that you are both responsible for. In parenting one cannot want to participate only when the conditions are favourable. Also, you cannot relinquish your responsibilities as and when it suits you. Furthermore, it is most unfortunate when one parent has to enforce the law on the absent one. However, it may be the only alternative left for the parent left to bear the burden alone.

Father Christmas may show up bearing extravagant gifts and toys. Your child may still be impressed with the glittering trimmings as well as the over the top gestures while they are young and impressionable but keep in mind daddy dearest that your child is growing up. I am yet to hear someone say, “It’s Father’s day, we need to buy a gift for Father Christmas and tell him how much we appreciate him for all the gifts.” The day will come when your child realises for themselves that Christmas comes but once a year.